Long time comin'

It is so easy to get wrapped up into make myself better. Afterall, who do you spend most of your time with but yourself? While I think it is very important for us to strive to Jesus and how he was, it is dangerous ground to continually pray for yourself because you are worried about the way you are more than people around you. I personally believe that God will perfect you into the person He wants while you are serving Him. God loves us, broken, blind, and poor. It is through that brokenness that He uses us most. I know God has used my struggles and mistakes more than I will ever fully know, but I know that He has used them. I praise Him for that too. It is like a little layer comes off everytime I talk about my past and what God has brought me through. It was in those darkest times that I felt God’s love, grace, and mercy for me evermore. It was so strong. One of my lowest points, I was just laying on the floor all by myself in fetal position, weeping. Hurting so badly; my own fault, but still I was dying inside. It was in that moment that I could feel God weeping with me. He was not sitting there on His throne, where He should be, pointing His finger at me saying “I tried to tell you, Katie.” NO…He was laying on the floor right beside me, weeping just as much if not more. I could feel His heart break for me. He gave me so much grace, that I cannot even describe right at this moment, but He has all of it.
How am I to question, doubt, or yell at God? He welcomes it. I think all healthy relationships need a little dispute. There are so many things that I do not understand about Him and what He is doing with me, but I trust Him. He has no record of leading me wrong. One thing He showed me last night was that I trust Him with the big things, because they are easy to let go. Well, what else am I going to do with them? Future husband, God has that whole situation; future job, God completely has that; my family, gave them to God; my safety, I trust He never leaves me like He said. There are so many things that I give to Him because what am I to do with them? It is easy to give these things up because what else would I do with them but worry and fail trying to do it on my own. This is where He gets me because it is the little things that I have not given to Him. One of the things I really struggle with, especially here in Africa, is eating. Anything American is comforting to me and tastes sooo good. Even just bread and jam. I eat so much of it, but I don’t really need it. I am lacking self-control. Some would say it is justified because I am in Africa, but truly it is not. If I cannot even control myself on eating, what else am I going to lose control over? It is just the principle that I am clinging to food when I should be clinging to Jesus. Also, I have been meaning to exercise with some girls in the mornings, but just never do. God really convicted me and asked me, ‘Do you not think I will give you enough strength?’ He told me that if I put the effort to be healthy then He will give me strength. I guess, I just never TRUSTED Him enough to believe that He would provide energy for me to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I know I am not fat, just a little chubby. I do not want to be stick skinny, just healthy. So please pray for that. It is the little things that get me. I feel as though I have control over them and it is ok. Even by doing nothing, I have control. Have mercy on me, O God.
I want to be moved by God like the wind. I want to be so open to Him and what He has for me that I do not question, just do. I went to this service thing last night and I got really freaked out. I do not want to say that it wasn’t of God, but my spirit did not sit well with what these people were doing. Perhaps it was just too intense for me and I am not ready yet, but I do not care to go back. With that in mind, am I shutting out God? Am I limiting Him? I truly do not think so, but perhaps just trying to know the good and bad of ‘religious’ people. Not everything is true, even if they say they are Christian. I always observe before participating in a church, but this night I just sat there watching in almost dismay. I just wasn’t feeling it, but God did speak to me, about the whole trust issue. I just do not know what to think. How come? How can there be such diversity in the spiritual world when we are all in for the same goal. Or at least we are suppose to be. I don’t know and perhaps never will, but I know that God has the victory and has grace for us all.
He has been so gentle with me these past two weeks. I do not know what He is up to, but I know that He is there and I cling to that truth.
TWO MONTHS!!! That is insane!
Right now I should be writing a paper that is due in two days, but I feel as though I need to write out what is inside of my soul at the moment. First of all, remember how I was telling you about the RA thing? I got news today and I GOT IT! Praise Jesus, it is only by Him that I got this. He gave me so much grace through the whole process. I am so excited about next year! I will be with freshman girls which is my heart’s desire! Jesus knew, He so knew. It was all in God’s timing. I am just in awe. Sometimes I think to myself…me, a RA? No way, I can’t be a RA. It seems so surreal, but I am humbly taking this position because it is only God that will work through me to do a wonderful job at this!
It is very hard to focus. I just keep thinking about my family and this summer. Then I get an email from Amy about the road trip at the end of this summer and she is all for it, which makes me in turn more all for it! :D Then with the news of being a freshman RA next year, which has been my heart’s desire since I was freshman, I keep thinking about next school year. I was sitting in ATR class and picturing how I was going to set up my room and how I was going to decorate it. I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I do not think anyone realizes the importance of this because I guess God is the only one who knows to what extent I wanted to be a RA. I felt like it was my calling. Which is funny because we were just talking about ‘callings’ in F & A class. It is like one of those things that you just know that your life will not be complete without doing that. That is the best way to descirbe this. While I know that my life would be complete because it is only God who satisfies me, He put this desire in my heart. One of my favorite verses is “Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4. Wow…He never ceases to amaze me.