How come we spend most of our time waiting? Last semester was spent waiting for this semester in Uganda and now this semester is mostly spent waiting to go home? Is there ever really a moment where I am truly satisfied with where I am? I am beginning to doubt. I think one of the hardest things to do is live in the moment. Sometimes it seems impossible. I want this experience to be all that it can be, but I think that I hinder it quite a bit.
One thing I have realized over this past weekend is how selfish I truly am. It is not too obvious, but I have these terrible thoughts. I want the best of whatever is being offered. I think I deserve whatever is given to me. WHO AM I? The verse, Philippians 2:3-4, is so convicting and will continue to be until the day I die. To live as if everyone is better than me? Come on, seriously? What about the man that killed is wife and child? What about the homeless lady on the street with no teeth? What about the prostitute on the street corner? I am to concern them better than me? But what about me? I am trying to live my life for God and I am supposed to live like these heathens are better than me? That makes no sense, but when does God make sense? This is showing how selfish I am, and from something that happened last night I think God is stripping me bare and making me humble! I want to be selfless to the very core of my being. There are things that get so complicated and I do not think they would be if we would truly live out love to every single person on this earth. What would my life look like if I truly lived out love? Wow…whoa…I can’t even imagine. Something that has been brought to my attention is that I am nothing without love, I could do everything that is good in people’s eyes, but I do not do it out of love then it is pointless. Sure, I share things with others and are nice to others, but most of them are people I love and care for deeply, some I even have been hurt by so much, but I still show them love. There is nothing in that, even the Pharisees did that. I AM A PHARISEE. I need to love the ones that no one loves, the unlovable (according to some), the misfits, the odd ball, and the socially unacceptable. I need to live that out. I can feel it with the core of my being. God has opened my eyes and I cannot turn back. It is going to be difficult, but Jesus never said that it was going to be a pancake with syrup.
God has been opening my eyes/brain so much. I feel overwhelmed so much. There are times I just want to run back home and be naïve, but I know that God has called me and I have to answer. I want to answer. I know that life would not be complete if I ignored God. He has brought me thus far, and He will complete the good work in me. He has never done me wrong. He has a perfect record! Wow, no one can claim that! Not even the man I marry will be able to claim that in any aspect of his life! Jesus is above them all! I was listening to a song by Misty Edwards (love her!) and I just wanted to get on my knees and worship/weep for God. I was in a room with two other girls, but I just want to weep to Him. It is one of those moments that you just feel His presence very strongly. I give Him praise for everything that is in my life. There are times when I have no idea what is going, ok most of the time, but I know it will all work out because God has my hand and is leading me. He is so so so so so so so so so faithful, even when I am not. That seems to be when He is most faithful. I praise His name for giving me grace, because if His love was based on works I would be cast out. His grace is sufficient for me! To know that God’s grace is for anyone that will receive it, puts it into perspective on how to view others. They are a poor ragamuffin like myself. It aches my heart that we, christians, go to church and act like we have it all together. Shouldn’t we be on our knees every Sunday praising God for His grace? We need to view others just like we do our family, we know they do not have it all together, but that does not stop us from loving them. I am just disgusted with myself thinking about how I have acted towards others just because of what they have done or are currently doing. Who am I? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I think Jesus had it right when He just loved those sinners and did not condemn them. Are we not called to be like Jesus? It has been a long time since I have seen any ‘little christs’ around. That is what christians mean and yet we are so self righteous. I am the worst. It cannot be said enough, I am such a pharisee. O God have mercy on me. MERCY. I am so unclean. Cleanse me with your blood.
I am your ragamuffin, please take me.

Katie

4-6-09
There was a man burned alive right outside the main gate of our campus. He was just released from prison for a raping a young girl. The ‘towns people’ did not like this and decided to take it in their own hands. WHERE IS THE LOVE? MERCY? It seem to not affect the Ugandans. It was almost like it was normal. O God, I pray for their souls. Have mercy on them. Have mercy on us!