While I am not writing this to just write, but to remember. There has been so many things this semester that have happened that I cannot even describe, but God knows.
Things I am going to miss:
· Being called Muzungu
· Being able to say the price I will pay
· Debby
· The beautiful sunsets
· Cheap food, cheap things in general
· Kristin, kelsey, emily, ashley
· Getting packages and letters
· Walking everywhere
· Geoff and Phil, my encouraging brothers
· Having jokes that people will understand
· The smell of campfire
· The bugs, oh wait, just kidding
· Playing freecell all the time
· Only getting on the internet every third day
· The random blackouts
· Cold showers in the morning…NOT
· Walking in the rain, in a monsoon!
· Being far away from my past
· Just being who I am
· Simple living
· Matatu rides
· African time
There is a part of me that is scared to death to come home. Then God reminds me that it is not Africa that has changed me, but Him and He is everywhere. He will continue to work on me in Indiana and Illinois and wherever else He leads me. He is such a beautiful thing, yeah I know He is not a thing, but I have no words to describe Him. I just have this peace that everything will be ok, no matter what happens in the days, weeks, months, and years to come…He is always there. He is so gracious. He has given me so much grace I could never repay Him, but He does not ask for repayment, like my student loan company, but He just asks us to spend time with Him and love Him. Hmmm…not the norm is it? God is never the norm. I have come to realize just how radical the life that Jesus wants us to live is and there are no exceptions. That scares me to the core because that holds me accountable. I know I will fail, but with God’s strength I will try. His name is so powerful! Just calling on His name is enough. Oh, if I could only put into words how I feel and everything I have seen and heard! Too much!
I am finished with school here and it is a wonderful thing because the whole time being here it felt lame to say I was in Africa studying. It has run its course and I am finished! Three weeks. I only have three weeks! I can’t wait to get home! There is a part that I just want to go home and hid and not put into practice everything I have learned, but I know that would be a waste and wasting is not something I have very fond of. I am, with the power of God, going to put everything into practice and it will not be easy, but with God’s help it can be done! I have faith, hope, and patience. That is the hardest! Patience! Agh…
Jesus was such a radical person because He went totally against the grain. If I am always going with the crowd there is something wrong. There is this third way that I would like to explore more! Hmmm….He is faithful!
Love,
Katie
Sunday, May 10, 2009
How come we spend most of our time waiting? Last semester was spent waiting for this semester in Uganda and now this semester is mostly spent waiting to go home? Is there ever really a moment where I am truly satisfied with where I am? I am beginning to doubt. I think one of the hardest things to do is live in the moment. Sometimes it seems impossible. I want this experience to be all that it can be, but I think that I hinder it quite a bit.
One thing I have realized over this past weekend is how selfish I truly am. It is not too obvious, but I have these terrible thoughts. I want the best of whatever is being offered. I think I deserve whatever is given to me. WHO AM I? The verse, Philippians 2:3-4, is so convicting and will continue to be until the day I die. To live as if everyone is better than me? Come on, seriously? What about the man that killed is wife and child? What about the homeless lady on the street with no teeth? What about the prostitute on the street corner? I am to concern them better than me? But what about me? I am trying to live my life for God and I am supposed to live like these heathens are better than me? That makes no sense, but when does God make sense? This is showing how selfish I am, and from something that happened last night I think God is stripping me bare and making me humble! I want to be selfless to the very core of my being. There are things that get so complicated and I do not think they would be if we would truly live out love to every single person on this earth. What would my life look like if I truly lived out love? Wow…whoa…I can’t even imagine. Something that has been brought to my attention is that I am nothing without love, I could do everything that is good in people’s eyes, but I do not do it out of love then it is pointless. Sure, I share things with others and are nice to others, but most of them are people I love and care for deeply, some I even have been hurt by so much, but I still show them love. There is nothing in that, even the Pharisees did that. I AM A PHARISEE. I need to love the ones that no one loves, the unlovable (according to some), the misfits, the odd ball, and the socially unacceptable. I need to live that out. I can feel it with the core of my being. God has opened my eyes and I cannot turn back. It is going to be difficult, but Jesus never said that it was going to be a pancake with syrup.
God has been opening my eyes/brain so much. I feel overwhelmed so much. There are times I just want to run back home and be naïve, but I know that God has called me and I have to answer. I want to answer. I know that life would not be complete if I ignored God. He has brought me thus far, and He will complete the good work in me. He has never done me wrong. He has a perfect record! Wow, no one can claim that! Not even the man I marry will be able to claim that in any aspect of his life! Jesus is above them all! I was listening to a song by Misty Edwards (love her!) and I just wanted to get on my knees and worship/weep for God. I was in a room with two other girls, but I just want to weep to Him. It is one of those moments that you just feel His presence very strongly. I give Him praise for everything that is in my life. There are times when I have no idea what is going, ok most of the time, but I know it will all work out because God has my hand and is leading me. He is so so so so so so so so so faithful, even when I am not. That seems to be when He is most faithful. I praise His name for giving me grace, because if His love was based on works I would be cast out. His grace is sufficient for me! To know that God’s grace is for anyone that will receive it, puts it into perspective on how to view others. They are a poor ragamuffin like myself. It aches my heart that we, christians, go to church and act like we have it all together. Shouldn’t we be on our knees every Sunday praising God for His grace? We need to view others just like we do our family, we know they do not have it all together, but that does not stop us from loving them. I am just disgusted with myself thinking about how I have acted towards others just because of what they have done or are currently doing. Who am I? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I think Jesus had it right when He just loved those sinners and did not condemn them. Are we not called to be like Jesus? It has been a long time since I have seen any ‘little christs’ around. That is what christians mean and yet we are so self righteous. I am the worst. It cannot be said enough, I am such a pharisee. O God have mercy on me. MERCY. I am so unclean. Cleanse me with your blood.
I am your ragamuffin, please take me.
Katie
4-6-09
There was a man burned alive right outside the main gate of our campus. He was just released from prison for a raping a young girl. The ‘towns people’ did not like this and decided to take it in their own hands. WHERE IS THE LOVE? MERCY? It seem to not affect the Ugandans. It was almost like it was normal. O God, I pray for their souls. Have mercy on them. Have mercy on us!
One thing I have realized over this past weekend is how selfish I truly am. It is not too obvious, but I have these terrible thoughts. I want the best of whatever is being offered. I think I deserve whatever is given to me. WHO AM I? The verse, Philippians 2:3-4, is so convicting and will continue to be until the day I die. To live as if everyone is better than me? Come on, seriously? What about the man that killed is wife and child? What about the homeless lady on the street with no teeth? What about the prostitute on the street corner? I am to concern them better than me? But what about me? I am trying to live my life for God and I am supposed to live like these heathens are better than me? That makes no sense, but when does God make sense? This is showing how selfish I am, and from something that happened last night I think God is stripping me bare and making me humble! I want to be selfless to the very core of my being. There are things that get so complicated and I do not think they would be if we would truly live out love to every single person on this earth. What would my life look like if I truly lived out love? Wow…whoa…I can’t even imagine. Something that has been brought to my attention is that I am nothing without love, I could do everything that is good in people’s eyes, but I do not do it out of love then it is pointless. Sure, I share things with others and are nice to others, but most of them are people I love and care for deeply, some I even have been hurt by so much, but I still show them love. There is nothing in that, even the Pharisees did that. I AM A PHARISEE. I need to love the ones that no one loves, the unlovable (according to some), the misfits, the odd ball, and the socially unacceptable. I need to live that out. I can feel it with the core of my being. God has opened my eyes and I cannot turn back. It is going to be difficult, but Jesus never said that it was going to be a pancake with syrup.
God has been opening my eyes/brain so much. I feel overwhelmed so much. There are times I just want to run back home and be naïve, but I know that God has called me and I have to answer. I want to answer. I know that life would not be complete if I ignored God. He has brought me thus far, and He will complete the good work in me. He has never done me wrong. He has a perfect record! Wow, no one can claim that! Not even the man I marry will be able to claim that in any aspect of his life! Jesus is above them all! I was listening to a song by Misty Edwards (love her!) and I just wanted to get on my knees and worship/weep for God. I was in a room with two other girls, but I just want to weep to Him. It is one of those moments that you just feel His presence very strongly. I give Him praise for everything that is in my life. There are times when I have no idea what is going, ok most of the time, but I know it will all work out because God has my hand and is leading me. He is so so so so so so so so so faithful, even when I am not. That seems to be when He is most faithful. I praise His name for giving me grace, because if His love was based on works I would be cast out. His grace is sufficient for me! To know that God’s grace is for anyone that will receive it, puts it into perspective on how to view others. They are a poor ragamuffin like myself. It aches my heart that we, christians, go to church and act like we have it all together. Shouldn’t we be on our knees every Sunday praising God for His grace? We need to view others just like we do our family, we know they do not have it all together, but that does not stop us from loving them. I am just disgusted with myself thinking about how I have acted towards others just because of what they have done or are currently doing. Who am I? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I think Jesus had it right when He just loved those sinners and did not condemn them. Are we not called to be like Jesus? It has been a long time since I have seen any ‘little christs’ around. That is what christians mean and yet we are so self righteous. I am the worst. It cannot be said enough, I am such a pharisee. O God have mercy on me. MERCY. I am so unclean. Cleanse me with your blood.
I am your ragamuffin, please take me.
Katie
4-6-09
There was a man burned alive right outside the main gate of our campus. He was just released from prison for a raping a young girl. The ‘towns people’ did not like this and decided to take it in their own hands. WHERE IS THE LOVE? MERCY? It seem to not affect the Ugandans. It was almost like it was normal. O God, I pray for their souls. Have mercy on them. Have mercy on us!
Long time comin'
It is so easy to get wrapped up into make myself better. Afterall, who do you spend most of your time with but yourself? While I think it is very important for us to strive to Jesus and how he was, it is dangerous ground to continually pray for yourself because you are worried about the way you are more than people around you. I personally believe that God will perfect you into the person He wants while you are serving Him. God loves us, broken, blind, and poor. It is through that brokenness that He uses us most. I know God has used my struggles and mistakes more than I will ever fully know, but I know that He has used them. I praise Him for that too. It is like a little layer comes off everytime I talk about my past and what God has brought me through. It was in those darkest times that I felt God’s love, grace, and mercy for me evermore. It was so strong. One of my lowest points, I was just laying on the floor all by myself in fetal position, weeping. Hurting so badly; my own fault, but still I was dying inside. It was in that moment that I could feel God weeping with me. He was not sitting there on His throne, where He should be, pointing His finger at me saying “I tried to tell you, Katie.” NO…He was laying on the floor right beside me, weeping just as much if not more. I could feel His heart break for me. He gave me so much grace, that I cannot even describe right at this moment, but He has all of it.
How am I to question, doubt, or yell at God? He welcomes it. I think all healthy relationships need a little dispute. There are so many things that I do not understand about Him and what He is doing with me, but I trust Him. He has no record of leading me wrong. One thing He showed me last night was that I trust Him with the big things, because they are easy to let go. Well, what else am I going to do with them? Future husband, God has that whole situation; future job, God completely has that; my family, gave them to God; my safety, I trust He never leaves me like He said. There are so many things that I give to Him because what am I to do with them? It is easy to give these things up because what else would I do with them but worry and fail trying to do it on my own. This is where He gets me because it is the little things that I have not given to Him. One of the things I really struggle with, especially here in Africa, is eating. Anything American is comforting to me and tastes sooo good. Even just bread and jam. I eat so much of it, but I don’t really need it. I am lacking self-control. Some would say it is justified because I am in Africa, but truly it is not. If I cannot even control myself on eating, what else am I going to lose control over? It is just the principle that I am clinging to food when I should be clinging to Jesus. Also, I have been meaning to exercise with some girls in the mornings, but just never do. God really convicted me and asked me, ‘Do you not think I will give you enough strength?’ He told me that if I put the effort to be healthy then He will give me strength. I guess, I just never TRUSTED Him enough to believe that He would provide energy for me to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I know I am not fat, just a little chubby. I do not want to be stick skinny, just healthy. So please pray for that. It is the little things that get me. I feel as though I have control over them and it is ok. Even by doing nothing, I have control. Have mercy on me, O God.
I want to be moved by God like the wind. I want to be so open to Him and what He has for me that I do not question, just do. I went to this service thing last night and I got really freaked out. I do not want to say that it wasn’t of God, but my spirit did not sit well with what these people were doing. Perhaps it was just too intense for me and I am not ready yet, but I do not care to go back. With that in mind, am I shutting out God? Am I limiting Him? I truly do not think so, but perhaps just trying to know the good and bad of ‘religious’ people. Not everything is true, even if they say they are Christian. I always observe before participating in a church, but this night I just sat there watching in almost dismay. I just wasn’t feeling it, but God did speak to me, about the whole trust issue. I just do not know what to think. How come? How can there be such diversity in the spiritual world when we are all in for the same goal. Or at least we are suppose to be. I don’t know and perhaps never will, but I know that God has the victory and has grace for us all.
He has been so gentle with me these past two weeks. I do not know what He is up to, but I know that He is there and I cling to that truth.
TWO MONTHS!!! That is insane!
Right now I should be writing a paper that is due in two days, but I feel as though I need to write out what is inside of my soul at the moment. First of all, remember how I was telling you about the RA thing? I got news today and I GOT IT! Praise Jesus, it is only by Him that I got this. He gave me so much grace through the whole process. I am so excited about next year! I will be with freshman girls which is my heart’s desire! Jesus knew, He so knew. It was all in God’s timing. I am just in awe. Sometimes I think to myself…me, a RA? No way, I can’t be a RA. It seems so surreal, but I am humbly taking this position because it is only God that will work through me to do a wonderful job at this!
It is very hard to focus. I just keep thinking about my family and this summer. Then I get an email from Amy about the road trip at the end of this summer and she is all for it, which makes me in turn more all for it! :D Then with the news of being a freshman RA next year, which has been my heart’s desire since I was freshman, I keep thinking about next school year. I was sitting in ATR class and picturing how I was going to set up my room and how I was going to decorate it. I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I do not think anyone realizes the importance of this because I guess God is the only one who knows to what extent I wanted to be a RA. I felt like it was my calling. Which is funny because we were just talking about ‘callings’ in F & A class. It is like one of those things that you just know that your life will not be complete without doing that. That is the best way to descirbe this. While I know that my life would be complete because it is only God who satisfies me, He put this desire in my heart. One of my favorite verses is “Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4. Wow…He never ceases to amaze me.
How am I to question, doubt, or yell at God? He welcomes it. I think all healthy relationships need a little dispute. There are so many things that I do not understand about Him and what He is doing with me, but I trust Him. He has no record of leading me wrong. One thing He showed me last night was that I trust Him with the big things, because they are easy to let go. Well, what else am I going to do with them? Future husband, God has that whole situation; future job, God completely has that; my family, gave them to God; my safety, I trust He never leaves me like He said. There are so many things that I give to Him because what am I to do with them? It is easy to give these things up because what else would I do with them but worry and fail trying to do it on my own. This is where He gets me because it is the little things that I have not given to Him. One of the things I really struggle with, especially here in Africa, is eating. Anything American is comforting to me and tastes sooo good. Even just bread and jam. I eat so much of it, but I don’t really need it. I am lacking self-control. Some would say it is justified because I am in Africa, but truly it is not. If I cannot even control myself on eating, what else am I going to lose control over? It is just the principle that I am clinging to food when I should be clinging to Jesus. Also, I have been meaning to exercise with some girls in the mornings, but just never do. God really convicted me and asked me, ‘Do you not think I will give you enough strength?’ He told me that if I put the effort to be healthy then He will give me strength. I guess, I just never TRUSTED Him enough to believe that He would provide energy for me to be healthy. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I know I am not fat, just a little chubby. I do not want to be stick skinny, just healthy. So please pray for that. It is the little things that get me. I feel as though I have control over them and it is ok. Even by doing nothing, I have control. Have mercy on me, O God.
I want to be moved by God like the wind. I want to be so open to Him and what He has for me that I do not question, just do. I went to this service thing last night and I got really freaked out. I do not want to say that it wasn’t of God, but my spirit did not sit well with what these people were doing. Perhaps it was just too intense for me and I am not ready yet, but I do not care to go back. With that in mind, am I shutting out God? Am I limiting Him? I truly do not think so, but perhaps just trying to know the good and bad of ‘religious’ people. Not everything is true, even if they say they are Christian. I always observe before participating in a church, but this night I just sat there watching in almost dismay. I just wasn’t feeling it, but God did speak to me, about the whole trust issue. I just do not know what to think. How come? How can there be such diversity in the spiritual world when we are all in for the same goal. Or at least we are suppose to be. I don’t know and perhaps never will, but I know that God has the victory and has grace for us all.
He has been so gentle with me these past two weeks. I do not know what He is up to, but I know that He is there and I cling to that truth.
TWO MONTHS!!! That is insane!
Right now I should be writing a paper that is due in two days, but I feel as though I need to write out what is inside of my soul at the moment. First of all, remember how I was telling you about the RA thing? I got news today and I GOT IT! Praise Jesus, it is only by Him that I got this. He gave me so much grace through the whole process. I am so excited about next year! I will be with freshman girls which is my heart’s desire! Jesus knew, He so knew. It was all in God’s timing. I am just in awe. Sometimes I think to myself…me, a RA? No way, I can’t be a RA. It seems so surreal, but I am humbly taking this position because it is only God that will work through me to do a wonderful job at this!
It is very hard to focus. I just keep thinking about my family and this summer. Then I get an email from Amy about the road trip at the end of this summer and she is all for it, which makes me in turn more all for it! :D Then with the news of being a freshman RA next year, which has been my heart’s desire since I was freshman, I keep thinking about next school year. I was sitting in ATR class and picturing how I was going to set up my room and how I was going to decorate it. I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I do not think anyone realizes the importance of this because I guess God is the only one who knows to what extent I wanted to be a RA. I felt like it was my calling. Which is funny because we were just talking about ‘callings’ in F & A class. It is like one of those things that you just know that your life will not be complete without doing that. That is the best way to descirbe this. While I know that my life would be complete because it is only God who satisfies me, He put this desire in my heart. One of my favorite verses is “Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4. Wow…He never ceases to amaze me.
Joys & Pain
Where to even start is a mystery. There are so many things to say, but yet I do not even know if I could describe them with words. I know I will not do them justice, so please give me grace.
Ok, so about two weeks ago now there was craziness on campus. It all started with getting ready for rural homestays, which I was a little nervous about, but tried to be strong! For our faith and action class we had to read a section in our book called conflict. There were stories about conflict, obviously, but more to the point there was stories about the LRA, which as we all know is from Northern Uganda. The stories that I read were heartwretching. I wept, and wept, and wept. I know that it was God breaking my heart for these people because this was not the first time hearing about this situation or stories of people that have gone through this. I was so pissed off. Where the HELL was God in all this? I did not understand how God could let this go on or how God even fit into these peoples’ lives. Life just seemed to lose all its meaning. Who was I that I got to have a wonderful family, safety, education, food, and clean water? WHO AM I? I still struggle with that. These people fear for their lives every second of the day and I complain about having rice and beans twice a day. At least I have food! I disgust myself. I am trying to find a balance with this information that God has shown me and my life back home. What do I do? It is like God has unveiled my eyes to the social injustices are all around me. These people cannot even depend on their own government because they are raping, torturing, and beating these people too. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE TO PROTECT THEM!!! I read this at night and just pretty much cried the whole night and prayed. I couldn’t sleep very well, but woke up with this huge burden on my heart for these people still. Most of the day I was numb, couldn’t feel anything more. We even had class that we were to discuss what we read, but it didn’t seem to bother others like it did me. Was I wrong? Was I just being dramatic? I felt like these were our brothers and sisters that were suffering and we were just sitting here twidling our thumbs. How could I be the only one feeling this? Didn’t understand, but went on to chapel, which seemed meaningless. I just couldn’t praise God knowing what these people were going through, I did not understand Him and could not say that He was good because this was going on. After service, we went to lunch and I ate with Tori, Naomi, and Sarah. They sensed something and just asked me what was up. I lost it, again. I just spoke my frustrations and cried right there in the dining hall. I tried to hold myself together some, but it didn’t work out very well. Tori wanted to get out of there and go to my room so we could talk. On the way there, she told me that she is glad that it is affecting me like it is because that is the way she feels. Mainly why she was so distant this past semester because she didn’t know how to deal with American lifestyle after seeing and knowing what she did. We came back to my room and I just yelled, questioned, doubted, wept, and prayed for these people, myself, and others. Tori completely understood how I felt because she has been struggling with it for most of the school year. God just simply asked me to give it to Him, how could I do that? Where was He in all this? I clearly had to do something because He was definitely not. Then I just prayed and read Job. God gave me comfort that He has it all in His hands. He is control. (I am not doing a very good job of describing this, but yeah.) God gave me immeasurable peace about this. It was like I was carrying around the burden of the world and (duh) I couldn’t do anything to solve them. I had to give them over to Him, who else was going to take care of them. I praised God that I was not Him because I would not know how to handle this world. I still struggle with this issue, but I know that God has placed here for a reason. Perhaps it is to make others aware back home and perhaps it is to work for an organization to help these people, I do not know. The only thing I do know is that God is in control and I trust Him. It is all I can do.
Ok, that was all one day/night. Then we get a phone call from Phil (he is an intern) telling us that there is a meeting tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. and no one is in trouble, but we needed to be there. We were like ok, but was wondering what it was all about. Well, we get there for the meeting and are told that there was a threat letter slipped under the door of the president of the university. It basically said that the university should shut down and that Americans should leave. At first I was a little scared, but more for my parents who I knew were going to flip out when they were informed about this. In two days we were going to leave for rural homestays for a little over a week, so we were leaving :D. Anyway, I called my parents and of course, they wanted me to come home, but I told them I was fine and did not feel in immediate danger. I completely understood their feelings towards this, but I knew that God was with me and did not want me to pull out just yet. Although, secretly, I would have been just fine if they would have said, “we are sending you home tomorrow.” I miss my family! But yet I know that I am supposed to be here. Before talking to my family, I prayed so hard for God to give them peace and grace to hear the news and to be calm. God told me that He is using me/ this situation to build trust between Him and them. I knew that this would draw them closer to Him and I was praising Him for that. I did not want to put my family through any more stress, but I trusted God. Nevermind, that in two days I would not be able to talk to my family for ten days. That was a little rough, on both sides I’m sure. Well the next two days went fine and we were on our way to rural homestays…
There was excitement and dread inside my body. God poured excitement in me about the family I was to stay with, but a little part of me was uncertain about the whole thing. I was by myself, which was fine with me, but I was still scared. Right before arriving, God told me that He had prepared these people for me and that they were so welcoming. Oh boy! He knew, He knew! I was frustrated beyond words at some points, but then there were moments that I was so content that I could have stayed forever. I had two sisters, Ruth and Zipporah. Ruth was so remarkable. She is 28 years old and has a 14 year old daughter. Before you judge her, wait. When she was 12 or so, she got abducted by the LRA and was forced to be a ‘wife’ of one of the commanders of the rebel army. She also has a son, but he is with the father. She escaped and came back to live with her sister, who is HIV+, and raised her daughter. She told me that she was so sick of living a life that was barely living that she turned her life to Jesus and has been a child of God since. I was at a loss for words. This woman is amazing. She never gave up and just continued on. I just kept thinking about everything she has seen and been through, I do not know if I would have turned to Jesus myself. She has amazing faith that I do not know if I will ever possess. Her biggest concern is for her daughter that she get through school and have a better life than she did. There is a big issue with young girls getting pregnant and when you get pregnant here you cannot finish school and are pretty much poor for the rest of your life. These women were so strong because they had to be. There was no room for self-pity or complaining. Every morning, Toto (momma) would ask me how the night was and then praise God for the night and the morning. That was the highlight of my week, meeting her, but there are numerous funny stories that happened to me.
The most unusual story would have to be spreading cow poop on the ground as cement. They were farmers and grew cassava. They had to dry it, but instead of laying it out on the ground for dirt, they make ‘cement’ from cow poop and lay the food on that instead of the ground…hmmmm. I wasn’t too convinced, but that did not matter. I got down on my knees and spread cow poop with my hand. The cherry on top was when that same night, we were eating supper and we eat with our hands because they do not have/afford silverware and I just scooped a thing of rice in my mouth with the thought of ‘this hand was just in cow poop today, yummy.’ J Jesus was humbling me, for sure. I slept in a legit hut for a week and there were lizards, bugs, and what not in there, but I was blessed. My papa was 75 years old and I rode on the back of his bicycle, he insisted. I was amazed. They are so strong in all ways. I bathed under the stars one night, it was amazing. The stars were so clear out there. I shall never forget that. The simple pleasures were so wonderful. The joy of being there was amazing and God showed me so many things. I shall never forget them…
After leaving my family, we traveled to Sipi Falls. The living conditions were worse than at my rural homestay, but the view was breathtaking. I wish I could let you have my eyes to see. I hike the mountain! I saw three waterfalls, top and bottom. I was just simply in awe of my Father and His creation. I felt His beauty when I was ten feet from the bottom of the waterfall. It was the feeling of ‘this is where I’m supposed to be at this very moment’ and I was savoring it. Although the last hour of the hike was very tough, it was wonderful. I am sore all over, but God is good! Perhaps I will build some muscle :D.
I am still trying to let everything sink in, but I know that will take a long time, so we will see. As of currently, I am planning a two week road trip at the end of the summer and I am beyond excited for this! I pray that it all works out. I am waiting to hear back about being a RA, so we will see what God has in store for me. I give Him all praise for every opportunity He has given me these past weeks. This is not all of it, but I could not write everything nor describe it, so take all this for what it is worth.
May you feel His presence this day…
Peace be with you,
Katie
Ok, so about two weeks ago now there was craziness on campus. It all started with getting ready for rural homestays, which I was a little nervous about, but tried to be strong! For our faith and action class we had to read a section in our book called conflict. There were stories about conflict, obviously, but more to the point there was stories about the LRA, which as we all know is from Northern Uganda. The stories that I read were heartwretching. I wept, and wept, and wept. I know that it was God breaking my heart for these people because this was not the first time hearing about this situation or stories of people that have gone through this. I was so pissed off. Where the HELL was God in all this? I did not understand how God could let this go on or how God even fit into these peoples’ lives. Life just seemed to lose all its meaning. Who was I that I got to have a wonderful family, safety, education, food, and clean water? WHO AM I? I still struggle with that. These people fear for their lives every second of the day and I complain about having rice and beans twice a day. At least I have food! I disgust myself. I am trying to find a balance with this information that God has shown me and my life back home. What do I do? It is like God has unveiled my eyes to the social injustices are all around me. These people cannot even depend on their own government because they are raping, torturing, and beating these people too. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE TO PROTECT THEM!!! I read this at night and just pretty much cried the whole night and prayed. I couldn’t sleep very well, but woke up with this huge burden on my heart for these people still. Most of the day I was numb, couldn’t feel anything more. We even had class that we were to discuss what we read, but it didn’t seem to bother others like it did me. Was I wrong? Was I just being dramatic? I felt like these were our brothers and sisters that were suffering and we were just sitting here twidling our thumbs. How could I be the only one feeling this? Didn’t understand, but went on to chapel, which seemed meaningless. I just couldn’t praise God knowing what these people were going through, I did not understand Him and could not say that He was good because this was going on. After service, we went to lunch and I ate with Tori, Naomi, and Sarah. They sensed something and just asked me what was up. I lost it, again. I just spoke my frustrations and cried right there in the dining hall. I tried to hold myself together some, but it didn’t work out very well. Tori wanted to get out of there and go to my room so we could talk. On the way there, she told me that she is glad that it is affecting me like it is because that is the way she feels. Mainly why she was so distant this past semester because she didn’t know how to deal with American lifestyle after seeing and knowing what she did. We came back to my room and I just yelled, questioned, doubted, wept, and prayed for these people, myself, and others. Tori completely understood how I felt because she has been struggling with it for most of the school year. God just simply asked me to give it to Him, how could I do that? Where was He in all this? I clearly had to do something because He was definitely not. Then I just prayed and read Job. God gave me comfort that He has it all in His hands. He is control. (I am not doing a very good job of describing this, but yeah.) God gave me immeasurable peace about this. It was like I was carrying around the burden of the world and (duh) I couldn’t do anything to solve them. I had to give them over to Him, who else was going to take care of them. I praised God that I was not Him because I would not know how to handle this world. I still struggle with this issue, but I know that God has placed here for a reason. Perhaps it is to make others aware back home and perhaps it is to work for an organization to help these people, I do not know. The only thing I do know is that God is in control and I trust Him. It is all I can do.
Ok, that was all one day/night. Then we get a phone call from Phil (he is an intern) telling us that there is a meeting tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. and no one is in trouble, but we needed to be there. We were like ok, but was wondering what it was all about. Well, we get there for the meeting and are told that there was a threat letter slipped under the door of the president of the university. It basically said that the university should shut down and that Americans should leave. At first I was a little scared, but more for my parents who I knew were going to flip out when they were informed about this. In two days we were going to leave for rural homestays for a little over a week, so we were leaving :D. Anyway, I called my parents and of course, they wanted me to come home, but I told them I was fine and did not feel in immediate danger. I completely understood their feelings towards this, but I knew that God was with me and did not want me to pull out just yet. Although, secretly, I would have been just fine if they would have said, “we are sending you home tomorrow.” I miss my family! But yet I know that I am supposed to be here. Before talking to my family, I prayed so hard for God to give them peace and grace to hear the news and to be calm. God told me that He is using me/ this situation to build trust between Him and them. I knew that this would draw them closer to Him and I was praising Him for that. I did not want to put my family through any more stress, but I trusted God. Nevermind, that in two days I would not be able to talk to my family for ten days. That was a little rough, on both sides I’m sure. Well the next two days went fine and we were on our way to rural homestays…
There was excitement and dread inside my body. God poured excitement in me about the family I was to stay with, but a little part of me was uncertain about the whole thing. I was by myself, which was fine with me, but I was still scared. Right before arriving, God told me that He had prepared these people for me and that they were so welcoming. Oh boy! He knew, He knew! I was frustrated beyond words at some points, but then there were moments that I was so content that I could have stayed forever. I had two sisters, Ruth and Zipporah. Ruth was so remarkable. She is 28 years old and has a 14 year old daughter. Before you judge her, wait. When she was 12 or so, she got abducted by the LRA and was forced to be a ‘wife’ of one of the commanders of the rebel army. She also has a son, but he is with the father. She escaped and came back to live with her sister, who is HIV+, and raised her daughter. She told me that she was so sick of living a life that was barely living that she turned her life to Jesus and has been a child of God since. I was at a loss for words. This woman is amazing. She never gave up and just continued on. I just kept thinking about everything she has seen and been through, I do not know if I would have turned to Jesus myself. She has amazing faith that I do not know if I will ever possess. Her biggest concern is for her daughter that she get through school and have a better life than she did. There is a big issue with young girls getting pregnant and when you get pregnant here you cannot finish school and are pretty much poor for the rest of your life. These women were so strong because they had to be. There was no room for self-pity or complaining. Every morning, Toto (momma) would ask me how the night was and then praise God for the night and the morning. That was the highlight of my week, meeting her, but there are numerous funny stories that happened to me.
The most unusual story would have to be spreading cow poop on the ground as cement. They were farmers and grew cassava. They had to dry it, but instead of laying it out on the ground for dirt, they make ‘cement’ from cow poop and lay the food on that instead of the ground…hmmmm. I wasn’t too convinced, but that did not matter. I got down on my knees and spread cow poop with my hand. The cherry on top was when that same night, we were eating supper and we eat with our hands because they do not have/afford silverware and I just scooped a thing of rice in my mouth with the thought of ‘this hand was just in cow poop today, yummy.’ J Jesus was humbling me, for sure. I slept in a legit hut for a week and there were lizards, bugs, and what not in there, but I was blessed. My papa was 75 years old and I rode on the back of his bicycle, he insisted. I was amazed. They are so strong in all ways. I bathed under the stars one night, it was amazing. The stars were so clear out there. I shall never forget that. The simple pleasures were so wonderful. The joy of being there was amazing and God showed me so many things. I shall never forget them…
After leaving my family, we traveled to Sipi Falls. The living conditions were worse than at my rural homestay, but the view was breathtaking. I wish I could let you have my eyes to see. I hike the mountain! I saw three waterfalls, top and bottom. I was just simply in awe of my Father and His creation. I felt His beauty when I was ten feet from the bottom of the waterfall. It was the feeling of ‘this is where I’m supposed to be at this very moment’ and I was savoring it. Although the last hour of the hike was very tough, it was wonderful. I am sore all over, but God is good! Perhaps I will build some muscle :D.
I am still trying to let everything sink in, but I know that will take a long time, so we will see. As of currently, I am planning a two week road trip at the end of the summer and I am beyond excited for this! I pray that it all works out. I am waiting to hear back about being a RA, so we will see what God has in store for me. I give Him all praise for every opportunity He has given me these past weeks. This is not all of it, but I could not write everything nor describe it, so take all this for what it is worth.
May you feel His presence this day…
Peace be with you,
Katie
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Summer dreams...
So I was bored and God has really just been giving me great ideas about this summer and these are some things that have come to mind, perhaps they are more year goals than for the summer but I can dream right? :D
Things I want to do this summer:
· Learn some Hebrew and Greek
· Go to Washington
· Visit IHOP-KC
· Ride my bike more than I drive
· Swim at least three times a week
· Volunteer at PCC
· Get involved in the Youth group at Fort Rec
· Get a house sitting job J
· Take two college classes
· Go to S. Indiana
· Seek out refugee places, homeless shelters, and orphanges
· Lead a bible study
· Sing in a chior
· Go on walks every night
· Love my family more everyday
· Be selfless
· Make collages
· Paint pictures for Jesus
· Take too many pictures
· Make up songs for my Daddy God
· Get a room of my own
· Travel to random places at random times
· Help someone out everyday
· Get to know the poor
· Be content and confident in who God made me to be
· Strive for Jesus
· Subscribe to National geo, travler or adventure
· Hike a mountain
· Be able to run a mile straight
· Visit grandma once a week
· Find wise counsel in older friends
· Visit Chicago in the summer!
· Perhaps visit Philiadephia
· Wake up at 6:00 a.m. everyday to spend time with JC
· Chase my Beloved faster, better, and longer everyday.
Things I want to do this summer:
· Learn some Hebrew and Greek
· Go to Washington
· Visit IHOP-KC
· Ride my bike more than I drive
· Swim at least three times a week
· Volunteer at PCC
· Get involved in the Youth group at Fort Rec
· Get a house sitting job J
· Take two college classes
· Go to S. Indiana
· Seek out refugee places, homeless shelters, and orphanges
· Lead a bible study
· Sing in a chior
· Go on walks every night
· Love my family more everyday
· Be selfless
· Make collages
· Paint pictures for Jesus
· Take too many pictures
· Make up songs for my Daddy God
· Get a room of my own
· Travel to random places at random times
· Help someone out everyday
· Get to know the poor
· Be content and confident in who God made me to be
· Strive for Jesus
· Subscribe to National geo, travler or adventure
· Hike a mountain
· Be able to run a mile straight
· Visit grandma once a week
· Find wise counsel in older friends
· Visit Chicago in the summer!
· Perhaps visit Philiadephia
· Wake up at 6:00 a.m. everyday to spend time with JC
· Chase my Beloved faster, better, and longer everyday.
They feel my beauty, Katie...
Whoa. It is only Tuesday and this week has been crazy! First of all, the RA situation has been resolved, I think, because they accepted my application and hopefully reviewing right now as I write this. God’s grace was in that whole thing and hopefully it works out. I have done everything I can, considering I am in Africa, I leave it in God’s hands now. That has been a stressful part of these past two days, but it has worked out, or so I hope :D.
So, enough about my selfish life in America, now to what you really want to read about. We had our oreintation to for the orphange I will be volunteering at while I am in Uganda. A little history on this story, we got to write down our top three choices on where we wanted to do our service projects and Chain, the orphange, was not my first choice. Salama, which is a blind school, was my first choice because the idea that the children just love you for who you are to them and not what you look like appealed to me. That sounds completely selfish, but being someone that gets stares from people because my face isn’t normal, it made me want to be with them. I figured I could learn a lot from them too on appearance and how much it does not matter. Well that was my plan and knew for sure that was where God wanted me, but we got our assignments and I got Chain, the orphange. Not that I did not want to be at the orphange, but I had built my heart on the blind school. That was just a bad week because nothing was going the way I wanted, but when I saw where I was suppose to volunteer God just said ‘Trust me, Katie’…that was all I could do, so I said ‘Fine’…Ok now back to present.
We went to this orphange and there was a blind school there! God is so amazing…
So we take a tour of the land to get familiar with the area and we meet these amazing kids. These kids are blind, partially or fully, and they live life. My heart is so heavy and I had to hold back from crying right then and there. I want to do so much for these children, but yet feel like I can do nothing to help. I am an all or nothing type and it just really frustrates me that I am in Africa, going to school, paying more money for four months than most of these people see in their life, and complaining about rice and beans. The orphange has an Intergrated school for the blind and sighted, but they cannot provide much food so these kids get a cup of pourage at lunch and that is it. These children mostly stay on campus even after school is out, to play with the other children and mostly because there is no reason to go home until bedtime because there is no food at home either. These are the poorest of the poor in the community. Most of these children do not have families for many reasons, but one main one being AIDS. Some are HIV positive themselves, which just breaks my heart. The blind children are almost like an outcast to society, and either their parents couldn’t provide proper medical care for them or they just didn’t want to because they saw them as a waste of life. Ahhhhhh….my heart just hurts. I want to fix everything for these kids because they deserve it more than anyone. They should get more love but they get less. I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now, I don’t know what else to write about this at the moment.
On the way back from Chain, I was riding in the van with the window open, winding blowing; eyes closed thinking this is how they see life. How do they see your beauties God? I ask, and God replied, “They don’t see life, Katie, they feel it. They feel my beauty.” Oh for all of us to feel His beauty…
So, enough about my selfish life in America, now to what you really want to read about. We had our oreintation to for the orphange I will be volunteering at while I am in Uganda. A little history on this story, we got to write down our top three choices on where we wanted to do our service projects and Chain, the orphange, was not my first choice. Salama, which is a blind school, was my first choice because the idea that the children just love you for who you are to them and not what you look like appealed to me. That sounds completely selfish, but being someone that gets stares from people because my face isn’t normal, it made me want to be with them. I figured I could learn a lot from them too on appearance and how much it does not matter. Well that was my plan and knew for sure that was where God wanted me, but we got our assignments and I got Chain, the orphange. Not that I did not want to be at the orphange, but I had built my heart on the blind school. That was just a bad week because nothing was going the way I wanted, but when I saw where I was suppose to volunteer God just said ‘Trust me, Katie’…that was all I could do, so I said ‘Fine’…Ok now back to present.
We went to this orphange and there was a blind school there! God is so amazing…
So we take a tour of the land to get familiar with the area and we meet these amazing kids. These kids are blind, partially or fully, and they live life. My heart is so heavy and I had to hold back from crying right then and there. I want to do so much for these children, but yet feel like I can do nothing to help. I am an all or nothing type and it just really frustrates me that I am in Africa, going to school, paying more money for four months than most of these people see in their life, and complaining about rice and beans. The orphange has an Intergrated school for the blind and sighted, but they cannot provide much food so these kids get a cup of pourage at lunch and that is it. These children mostly stay on campus even after school is out, to play with the other children and mostly because there is no reason to go home until bedtime because there is no food at home either. These are the poorest of the poor in the community. Most of these children do not have families for many reasons, but one main one being AIDS. Some are HIV positive themselves, which just breaks my heart. The blind children are almost like an outcast to society, and either their parents couldn’t provide proper medical care for them or they just didn’t want to because they saw them as a waste of life. Ahhhhhh….my heart just hurts. I want to fix everything for these kids because they deserve it more than anyone. They should get more love but they get less. I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now, I don’t know what else to write about this at the moment.
On the way back from Chain, I was riding in the van with the window open, winding blowing; eyes closed thinking this is how they see life. How do they see your beauties God? I ask, and God replied, “They don’t see life, Katie, they feel it. They feel my beauty.” Oh for all of us to feel His beauty…
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